What I really want?
"Do what you want , shall be the whole law"
That's the name a motto of Aleister Crowley ...
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole law. Love is the law, love under will"
And it means that one should first find out what you want because actually really ...
But how can I find out? What is my will? What I really want? What is my own will?
There is also convinced that basically everything that is not correct, what will feel like a joy, pleasure and high frequency ... Do what you glad ... Do what makes you happy ... So basically after that motto to do something that gives pleasure ...
Well, fun things ... As long as no pressure behind it and duty and "must" is behind it ... Even my most passionate hobby can quickly convert to bored, umliebsamsten activity, to be exercised every day with pressure and must-have.
I have always thought it would be the best, hobbies and activities that bring fun to your profession. So completely to the saying of Confucius, "Choose a job you love, and you do not need a day in your life to work more." ....
But somehow - does not seem to work for me ... I lose the passion and pleasure and the fun of the thing as soon as pressure and "must" be built, and it's something that happened to me in the past again and again ... I lose because my hobbies and my passions to things that give me joy ...
Actually, I should have known it - I ticke in so many things completely differently than other people. How I would have thought a fool, bei mir funktioniere das selbe Schablonenprinzip wie bei den sonst meißten Menschen dieses Planeten, das etwas, was Spaß und Freude zu einer Tätigkeit bereitet, zur Berufung gemacht werden könnte, ohne das es dadurch seine Leidenschaft verliert....
Leidenschaft.... Ich denke, das ist das Schwierige an einem Beruf oder Geldverdien-Tätigkeit.... Wie lässt sich die Leidenschaft und Lust erhalten, wenn dahinter existenzieller Notwendigkeit gesteckt wird? Wie kann Freude und Spaß erhalten bleiben bei einem einst freudvollen Tätigkeit das zum Beruf gemacht wird und dadurch becomes a "must" with increasing pressure?
Just to name one example .... I drew and painted very, very happy and passionate about working with the computer and inspired me for the technology, software, hardware, machinery .... But when I finally began the draftsman doctrine and sat all day from morning to night 40-hour week, only on the CAD and sat at the drawing table, plotters, printers and copiers operated - ödete me at all really. From my once favorite hobbies of drawing and painting, it was something - almost anything negative. I hated it. Every day the same ... terrible.
draftsman in my teaching and 8 years-long practice of the profession, I lost my joy and passion for drawing and painting. I lost my interest in CAD and engineering, I am still ödete only because behind it was to associate with "must" and "pressure" and "duty" and it took very long years, until by and by again mild interest returned ....
Well ... So is it - what, at least for me because of my different kind of essence of her - was a mistake to think that it would be das beste, ein Hobby oder Tätigkeiten die Spaß machen zum Beruf zu machen? Was genau entspricht überhaupt mein Wessenskern? Für was bin ich wirklich geschaffen? Also in moment scheint es wohl so zu sein, als sei ich dafür nicht geschaffen, Dinge, die mir Freude bereiten, das auch zur Berufung machen zu können...
Ich dachte auch eine lange Zeit, man müsse einfach nur die richtige Leidenschaft zu einer Sache finden, worin viel Lust, Spaß und helle Freude dahintersteckt, etwas, wovon man wirklich durch und durch überzeugt ist, das sei das richtige and large with a YES! for behind it. I thought this training would be just that .. It was great fun, joy and brought a varied career customizable view with wide-ranging due to its usable profession ... The subjects are all wonderful, and woke my interests and wissbegirden ...
But with increasing pressure and increases "should be" - transformed gradually the pitches of Pure joy, excitement, joy down in mild interest until it lack of interest was then put boredom and monotony ... First approaches of antagonism is noticeable and I have reached the bitter realization that I must pull the brake, something is just wrong here.
So that's when I look back, as I have always funny and different .... 've ticked backwards moderate - it is not foreseeable that, even if I create the training and even if I work varied here and here and there, but would never show up in boredom and monotony and frustration of desire is?
Somehow I do not because my own essence ... Where the really my nature, my innermost? This so ... mhmm yes I will express it .. this "reverse behavior"? ... My mentor had me a long time ago said that he had set at the levels far too high for me and I was "backwards" gone down the levels, on and on and on and on down .... During these 7 months daily exercise and movement in education - I had indeed experienced physically only something like a boom, but then somewhere came a point where it "fell over" somehow und je mehr ich trainierte und versuchte, mich zu flexxen und zu stretchen und zu dehnen - desto steifer und unbeweglicher wurde ich aber. Jetzt und heute - habe ich den Eindruck, ich bin noch steifer und unbeweglicher geworden als vor dem Beginn der Ausbildung.... Das ist doch verrückt! Völlig verdreht! Was zum Henker ist da in meinem Wesenskern nur so derart verdreht, das ich irgendwie... "rückwärtsgehend" bin? Was nur läuft bei mir nicht - "rund"? ...
Vielleicht hat die sinnbildliche Darstellung einer " 8 " mehr einen tieferen Bedeutung als es den Apparently ... the " 8" - my number with the greatest affinity, my "favorite number" - is basically when one considered the symbol, nothing more than a " 0" is turned into itself by 180 degrees .. . and a running around " 0" is the " 8 " has become .... and that is - I seem to be ... and describes my essence ....
I now "Do what you want," am - on the question of "what I want?" come, then "what is my will?" and finally I came to passion and pleasure in activities, which in turn led me to the question to my very core .....
So what really want my inner self, my essence? I'm doing this training, because my mentor suggested I that that would be the right thing for me, or do I really ago by my own conviction? And ... where my belief come from? Is this really me, or is that taken by someone else - of him? And .... all the doubts which have arisen in me now, now from me, from the Unterbewussten heraus hervorkommend, der vielleicht merkt, ich tue etwas, aufgrund übernommener, Fremdüberzeugung das nicht meines ist, oder sind diese Zweifeln nur tieftonige Dämonen, Besetzungen oder sonst irgendwelche Bad-Energies, die nicht wollen, das ich mich zu einem hochtonigen wesen entwickele, und mich lieber weiterhin tieftonig und geistig gefangen halten wollen? Wie kann ich das überhaupt wissen? Wie kann ich das überhaupt herausfinden, so ganz alleine auf mich selbst gestellt und mich selbst überlassen?
"Tu, was du willst, soll sein das ganze Gesetz"... Wenn I would do so only what gives me pleasure and joy ... makes me wonder - what I'm really good? I'm including the "laziness" good, because something says to me or wants me prevent from further development, or because there are any beliefs that unravels in me that hard work and Areit is associated with negative, toiling to plow and and I unconsciously wants to avoid it? How do I know?
Or does me the "laziness" Well, just simply because it gives me pleasure? How do I know?
I cancel the training because it is my will or break I have the training down, because something inside me, what will prevent me from further development? How do I know? I even started the training, because it is my will, or because it is assumed, will someone else? How do I know?
All these issues concern me very much ... where I'm looking for answers ... and I had so much wanted, I could get help to beanworten to these questions, especially on the part of my mentor ... The question of my true will ... The question of my essence ... and the question which I really good for you and what suits my nature ... But - I hate my mentor, he has simply left me in the lurch, he has simply turned the Staup and has let me back alone ... I should kindly itself should look for solutions, my "pig dogs" overcome alone, should kindly alone to cope and help myself or look for help elsewhere but no longer with him ... damned bastard, it's not fair ... I do not understand ... I just do not understand it, it was actually basically completely obvious and predictable that I will not make it all but alone ... Had he known it, and the vorrausgesehen, or am I now its largest Entteuschung and error he has ever laughed at as a "student"?
Now I do what I now prepare a pleasure to me to solve the training, and looks sober - now I fall back to zero. .. I have no idea, and where I should also know if I give in now any inner demons that want to stop me from further development (if that were the case, them is now succeeded), or if I give in my inner essence, of this way not envisaged and therefore my pitches down gradually transformed in training? I have no idea if the decision is the right to terminate or wrong, how should I also bring experience in all on my own made, without help, which can shine through this with me professionally, what's going on? What forces are at work there ...
When I last week, the first time with the head teacher talked about it, I have financial, physical and emotional growing difficulties with the start of the 2nd Semester and associated increased demands and hours to keep up with, I was terribly ashamed. I was so ashamed of my failure, ashamed, both her and I admit even I can not do it, I lost the connection,'ve miscalculated financially entirely due to unexpectedly high additional expenses to start the training but not at were clear, I was so ashamed because I know I entteusche now people I are so important to mean something to me, I was ashamed so much that all my efforts and struggles, and above all things - victims, I mustered - now all been in vain ... I was so ashamed, as never before in my life, I felt just terrible ... Admitting this have to cope, that's me all too much, and am more and more notice that I can not keep up anymore with the class that cuts off me on and on like this ... Our jazz teacher said with a distinct look to me that you now see how separate the wheat from the chaff .... and I felt, however, but as the weeds in between, must be demolished ....
After weeks of Heulkrämpfe and fears about my future and what would become of me now, I feel now only leaden emptiness in me ... The feeling to have failed, the sense of shame, das ganze in einem riesigen Weltzusammenbrechen der Illusion das ich das schaffen könnte, alleine, auch ohne den Magier.... Ich war so von mir überzeugt, war optimistisch und hatte so viel Enthusiasmus und Freude... Aber es war zuviel für mich alleine... Ich hätte so sehr seine Unterstützung gebrauchen können... seine starke Hand und Führung.... Ich hatte ihm vertraut und ich glaubte so sehr an ihm...
Im grunde, hatte ich eigentlich nie wirklich eine Chance gehabt... Es war doch nur eine Frage der Zeit, bis ich kapitulieren musste... Ich verstehe nur nicht... wieso...
What will become of me? I do not know ... I do again what I want to be my whole law ..... And in moment - I do not care if my will is determined by others because of inherent demons or not ... I do not care whether the decision to leave was right or wrong, whether I should have to continue to fight ... Who cares letztenends already? IT does not interest ... He has deserted me and has turned the distemper. If he had really interested in my development, he would not have been left alone, but I would have ... I owe him a damn ... It does not matter to me then and It does not matter whether I am now back at zero and have achieved nothing, have done nothing, and succumb to my demons or not ... I want only one thing .... the pain in my chest to stop ... of shame and sadness Entteuschung to stop ... I want to live again ... want to love again ... I want to have fun ... And all things before ... I want to be free ...
Aquajade
We know that over there, on the south bank of the Potomac, not very dense. Since year and day it is believed that it is not the wars in Astan and Iraq about to win the jihadists to stick with bayonets, or to shoot assault rifles but sent by Maverick and SDB to her maidens. 
