What is this?
I do not understand ... the back and the back ... the tug and pull ... Feelings, mind, body, spirit, they all seem to pull in a completely different direction to do, to the north, east, south, west ...
For four years now and already I'm hopelessly madly in love with a man of my love will not reciprocate. It hurts like hell ... and the bad of it - the feelings in my mind and do not want to stop burning ... my heart that I lost to him will simply not stop for him to strike and return to me ... back in my chest ... where for years a perceived vacuum there, which always hurts, especially when there is a contact to the unrequited love and makes me rollercoaster with my feelings, up to the highest spiritual realms and back down to hell and mental slap in the face beaten ...
This ... unrequited love for a guy who hit me in any Form at a distance and keeps me constantly faced with my pain - I felt like a curse and a blessing at the same time ... A curse because the deprivation of contact and love hurts so much in my heart because I feel so much for him and that goes to nowhere, into the void ... and found it a blessing because I got to know such a unique and special person who could blow up my innermost, if we were in contact ... He did so well when there was a connection ... and it hurt me so when he tore off the connection ... in constant exchange between contact - Non Contact - Contact - Non-contact, etc. He pulled me emotionally downright staggering töhen and deep ... back and forth .... back and forth ....
Should we not think that you can eventually deal with it? I probably do not seem ... It tears me inside ... my heart hurts and all I wanted so much to me but is to stay with him in connection .... and if it was just a simple, friendly level .... or working on the basis
for 4 years now already I love this fucking bastard, and this love in me does not listen to easily ... For me it is probably now rather more of a curse ... because my stupid heart will not stop beating ... to bat for him ... will not give up ...
I constantly ask myself - how can I only find a new love, if I have no heart in my chest, which can change direction? In me there is a vacuum ... Pain ... Leaden seriousness of not being loved, had been his, veschmähtseins, unworthy one there at this point ... where actually trying to say my heart ... This is still hanging outside of my being unreasonable ... this man I love so much, and four years now and here it is my presence at any time of day in my mind ... I wake up and my first thought is ... and a last sleep with the thought of him ... four years ... and it does not stop ... it hurts. And it does not help me to get out there ... does not help me as I am von ihm lösen kann... wie ich mich von ihm emotional distanzieren kannn... Alles was er tut ist - mich einfach mich selbst überlassen, ich solle das gefälligst selber lösen. Das tut verdammt weh.... Wie soll ich das alleine schaffen? In meinen Augen - trägt er eine Mitverantwortung... ich bin so weit gekommen, das hätte ich alleine nicht geschafft und er hat viel dazu beigetragen, das ich an diesem Punkt wo ich bin, nun hier bin.... Aber was auch mein innerstes angeht... meine Liebe zu ihm... meine Gefühle... trägt er eine gewisse Mitverantwortung, denn wieso hat er das zugelassen, das ich mich so sehr in ihn verliebte? Wieso hat er das getan? Wieso ließ er das zu?? Und... wenn meine Liebe ein Fehler war - wieso korrigierte he is not the problem? And why it helps me not to correct the error in my heart? Why not? How come he can simply hang me, and helps me not to bring my misguided heart back to back in its place? ... I do not understand .... I just do not understand ... why he does this to me ... why he lets me down easy and helps me not for me to break away from him ....
alone I can not do it ... I can not do that .. For four years I have bothered myself with the unloved becoming and be sent away ... that does hurt so damn ... and it sounds just does not, it's a CURSE! - To have ever met this man ... I find my Heart beat .... and not get it back ....
Never before has there been a man of such - provoked feelings in me ... when I was four years myself in love with him ... what it triggered in me .... It was incredible ... wonderful ... unique ... of a unique nature of this world ... and in every contact he solved incredibly unique feelings in me that I so enjoyed and loved ... and the few actual encounters with the extraordinary people were, for me the happiest and most beautiful of my life, it is not to describe what a wonderful energy he had ... he detaches in me, caused ... let me feel ... me inside literally fulfilled .... I felt so one with it ... I felt so completely ... rounded ... It was just wonderful ...
And grew stronger the more consciously with any distance, and leaving my contact imperfection and incompleteness ... Now more than ever, when I realized that I lost my heart to him ...
I thought so long, it will hardly be a man anymore, that inspires this feeling in me like him ... He is so unique ... There is no such a being as he is second to none in the world. He is something special ...
Give me back but my heart, mage .... I would like to tell him ... But I know how he would react to it ... I am responsible, it's my own fault, I should kindly even see how to get it clear, or how do I solve the problem .... I could so it for his sake as much love as I am funny, it's my problem - not his. .... That hurts .... what have I done, I am so punished? ... What have I done only, this unrequited love that I must suffer so much by ... I do not want ... it is but please stop at last! ... I will still be loved once again ... and that requires that I can still fall in love again ... but what should I do that, if he has my heart ...
Now I seem to have someone know that something triggers at approximately feelings in me, which - mhmmja How shall I express it ... that feels good ... nice ... I feel the sympathy ... the affinity ... a magnetic train ...
But at the same time it evokes painful memories of unrequited love ... I am madly in love with the last 4 years a man who rejects me and my love does not want me and disdain ... I will not have again, and ... I notice that I am at the same time also to visit from the other man close to ... and creates the back and forth .. the pulling and tugging at me .. between gravitate back and pull me back ...
Gee whiz, what fürn shit ... Will I ever be able to love another man? Or at all - to allow the love? What if I fall in love again in a man who rejects me again only .... how much heart will then be left of me ?....
I would love to love me back again, and, above all things I want to be loved ... my feelings get answered .... Now there is this other man - and I feel this affinity and attraction safety ... yet I also feel great sadness ... because I do not want to fall in love .... or no, wrong words ... I do not want to fall in love with someone who rejects me, but then .... I do not even want this rejection ... from there - I hold back my feelings ... I think my inner back ... suppress it ... displacing it .... will not allow more ... and at the same time I want it but ... I will still only be loved ... something in me feel - my own heart in my chest .. I feel quite ... verfollständigt ... can connect me with a soul mate and feel me One ...
damned Bastard, why does he do this to me only ... why he does it only ... four years ... why only ....
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