Sharp Pain From Navel To Tip Of Penis

The Year of the Elves

Das Jahr ....

... geht bald vorrüber. Ich kann nicht sagen "gottseidank" aber auch nicht "schade" ...

Vor drei Jahren hatte ich begonnen, die Jahre einen "Namen" zu geben. Diese Namen sollten sowas wie art Überschriften sein, welches der Beginn von meiner persönlichen Entwicklungen beschreibt, Ziele und Vorstellungen contains over the relevant years.

I the years naming spontaneously and intuitively without thinking, at one time, nor did before me, I would come to Kiel, nor knew before me, I would start training as a state-certified gymnastics teacher at all, even before I knew what would be really out of my old life ...

I was - and still am - fascinated about my idea to name the years, it has what I like to think about it and the extent to somehow "fulfilled".

named retrospect, I the last few years also have to obtain a complete picture, named several years ago and already all other years, until 2015, and so an interesting picture emerged of a possible course of my life within 10 years:

2006 - "The Year of the last sleep"

2007 - "The Year of the orientation"

2008 - "The year of waking up"

2009 - "The Year of the positive changes

2010 -" The Year des spirituellen Wachstums"

2011 - "Das Jahr der Elfen"

2012 - "Das Jahr der Schule"

2013 - "Das Jahr des Rückkehrs"

2014 - "Das Jahr der hohen Schule"

2015 - "Das Jahr der Abstinenz"

Wie gesagt, ich begann die Namensgebung mitte 2008 und für mich war einfach klar, ohne es wirklich zu wissen - "2009 ist das Jahr der positiven Veränderungen".

Und ich muss sagen - es funktionierte! ... Also vielleicht It was also due to the my attention or awareness was focused primarily on these changes and I, in any form whatsoever positively evaluated, but no matter. I saw in 2009 really many many, sometimes very serious and life-critical changes.

I was glad finally to "The year of spiritual growth," which also might mean more to care. I was open and ready.

But ... somehow - I had the year of spiritual growth not as presented to me and I wonder if the names of successful distribution viellelicht but not quite was what anbetraf 2010 ... For this year, I was never before so many times as much confronted with things that I do not understand ... where a "not understanding" triggered in me and I stood so often as an ox in front of the mountain there, and almost downright helpless I had to admit by saying, "I do not understand the "....

Strange ... Am I so wrong? Or - is it just be confronted with things that one does not understand a form of "spiritual growth" and I've just not right that interpreted as such? What the heck is "spiritual growth"? I actually thought to include "understanding". But I did not expect that perhaps the non-understanding can also be a form, which might inspire spiritual growth can ... I think it was probably a year when I was out very clearly in mind, where all I understood in a non-exist, whose existence was not previously aware of and I just believed, and I just imagined it all, everything to understand. Now that I've experienced in 2010, in which all non-understanding is, I think I understand why it is perhaps intuitively with the given name "The year of spiritual growth" ... Because now I know, and it has become aware that I am mentally basically still like a child who so many things not yet understood. And the knowledge of things, which still exists you a non-understanding, but now I can grow spiritually from it, because now I may by and by not understanding process, edit, rework, in - to understand. The year 2010 has created the basis. The basis for spiritual growth.

But that's me only later, when the year is almost over, slowly become clear ....

However - the handling, processing and reworking of things that I do not understand will not happen in 2011, I feel very clear. Because 2011 is "The Year the elves, "whatever that meant, I do not know. This name was already established for more than three years. I think only in 2012" The Year of the school, "is what I experienced in 2010 and all have faced had, which in me there is a lack of understanding, rolled up and fashioned into understanding. Maybe it has to be well so that the whole facing things first sink must not know. And in the year of the elves, I have a feeling that is be a very "light", elfiges year, a winged year maybe ... it will be a year of outings ... It will be a very imaginative, "colorful" year ... One year, where I well may indeed formally the elves of the stars will meet and see, and where my mothballed, withheld fantasy again unfold like wings of a fairy be, who knows ...

I will be surprised just ....

Aquajade

Why Do Muscles Ache After Gym

restraining order

Ich bin so traurig...

Ich verstehe die Dinge wie sie sind, einfach nicht... Ich verstehe überhaupt einfach nicht, was richtig und was falsch ist... was ich darf und was ich nicht darf... wie ich mich verhalten soll oder was ich lassen soll... In meiner realen Umgebung gibt es nicht viele Menschen die ich wirklich sehr, sehr gerne mag, wo ich so gerne Kontakte und Freundschaften aufbauen möchte... Aber zugleich verstehe ich die absolute Sinnlosigkeit eines Kontaktverbotes nicht die ich schon fast wie ein mir auferlegte Strafe empfinde zu jene, wo ich mich hingezogen fühle und mich gleichgesinnt fühle. Ich verstehe diese Sinnlosigkeit des Combreaks not what I'm supposed to learn learn from it or from the great silence and distance, and a restraining order and even more distance and silence, which seems almost grotesque, absurd and makes me doubt so, why only communication abortions as a "solution" or "way" selected, to me ...

And when random encounters to take place elves that I like so much as I should I then only? I'm feeling down so torn between a "want to go" and "staying away ".... Contact between prohibition and distance and must hold between my longing for friendship, love, and surf the same wave length ....

I just do not understand the meaning of contact and communication bans ... I do not make any sense in it, I just do not understand, and that makes me sad, because so .... well ... it simply makes no sense and is and will simply not a solution, the whole world works on communication, interpersonal and contacts from there - I just do not understand ...

I can only - I must - do one thing ... for I would like to rehabilitate so much again - and the things I feel are so meaningless they may also continue to take as they are, tell me of those I like so much and I wanted friends and contacts, I still hold near and distant ... I may not take any initiatives to contacts or communications, no matter how much I wanted and then I long for ... I do not understand it, and I do not know how I should act only as correct or at least so that it is not misleading acts in random encounters ... Completely ignore is wrong ... Response is not right ... A "hello" and "bye" and must not be more ...? I do not understand ... it makes no sense ... I hope not I work kaltschulterig, indifferent or arrogant because if I do nothing other than greet and few, superficial, meaningless small talk answers will not support and otherwise conduct myself and quickly distanced me back to draw any further embarrassment caused to be what pushes me to the contact and communication bans ...

I do not understand all this ... All this simply does not make sense ...

I wonder ... how should I act or react only, initiatives and contacts to approach me? Do I take it, or think I am more distant? I do not understand ... Kombreaks are no easy solutions ....

Aquajade

Can You Get Bulbs For Ikea

The trapped Puma

I dreamed last night an initially sad Scene ...

I went through a large square where many people were staying. Just before I went through some kind of art market stalls in a loud, I looked at a booth with drums and musical instruments and walked on. I must have been something like a kind of shaman, the time period was hard to tell - late antiquity and early medieval era, perhaps.

on the large, crowded place, I suddenly saw a man tugging at a heavy chain with a spiked collar with a giant Puma him. The cougar was wild, pulling back and forth on the chain and the man had great trouble to keep him because the animal had very much power, but for some reason the man had the animal in his power und zerrte ihn immer wieder an der Leine zu sich zurück. Ich blieb stehen und empfand großes Mitgefühl für das gefangene Tier, welches so wild hin und her an seinen Ketten zerrte und zog, und jeden Menschen der zu nahe herankam anfauchte und am liebsten anfallen und zubeißen wollte. Die Menschen machten einen großen Bogen um diesen Mann mit dem Puma und wichen vor diesem Gespann zurück.

Ich lief gemächlich so, das dieser Mann mit dem Puma mir entgegenkam. Die Menschenmenge teilte sich vor ihnen und schreckten zurück, ich aber war unbeeindruckt und ohne Angst, blieb stehen und streckte die Hand aus. Der Mann erschrack und warnte mich, es sei gefährlich und beißt! - der Puma erblickte mich, ich sah in seinen on people hateful, but also full of pain and angst-looking eyes, he pulled suddenly on the chains as he lunged at me, probably believing that they have in me found a "prey", which he finally was able to vent his fury, but shortly before it reached my hand was a charm which I brought and a fine, bluish glittering Sternenstaup that could only see magicians and shamans, rose from my hand and weaved delicately the head of the Pumas - and he stopped suddenly and put my hand - nothing. He sniffed it briefly, at the same time torn between his inner beast, which would prefer to tear this hand reaching towards him, licking once with his rough tongue over Cats my palm rather be head of the man was forcibly dragged back to the chain.

The man probably wanted to say anything on how this can be possible, but this he did not, for suddenly grabbed the cougar together all his rage and power - the Man dragged roughly to one side of the chain and the Puma on the other side - and the chain broke suddenly locked out! The beast sprinted like this - people frantically flew apart in front of him - the Puma sprinted back - looked for an escape route, but we were in the middle of a city on a large market place and were people everywhere! - The man shouted commands and commands to the animal and tried to tell him to come here, but the animal did not respond to him.

When the Puma on a wall corner just crouched and with big ears hissing and growling, looked around, I walked slowly toward him, raised his hand and spoke strange words in another language, and ordered to sit the Puma and is no longer to touch - and he did. At the last second, because I saw his determination to attack a man, his muscles were already strained to jump - perhaps the child who was near him and portrayed it as a sitting duck.
As the crowd calmed down a bit, I said back a few foreign, magic words, and the Puma did what I told him and he came to me and sat down close to my feet.

The man was furious and totally amazed at how the animal "hear" all at once could, and was about approaching him again to put in chains, but with a warning, raised finger in his direction I let him stop abruptly. I told him he had no control over the animal. This had never really had. I told him calmly that I will take the animal now, and I will bring him back to where he belonged. To freedom. The man was angry, it belonged to him! he shouted.
I shook my head. I begged him that he should never catch another animal and torture, as if I should get it the next time again, he is what he did to the animals, learn even his own body.

With these words, I turned to the man's back, and rubbed gently over the head of the Pumas looked up with big ears and squinting ear to me and not quite know what happened to him. No wonder I created a considerable spell on him, restrained him in the very moment, and this condition had to be scary for him. With a new spell while I love him completely over his head stroked and now golden, sparkling star dust from my hands on him left, I broke slowly to dispel, and in my mind I told him what I do and what I plan and ask him to come with me. I bring him back to his mountain home where he is, I know his family - because he had that I knew in that moment of contact - waiting for him.

Suddenly the man was upset and crying out and furious, I wanted him to steal his Puma and threatened me that I should put him back on the animal! I turned slowly around - and a sense of apathy turned into me even more to have me to deal with it. I spoke a few brief magical words, raised his hand and locked the man in a spell Ort und Stelle ein und er kam nicht mehr weiter. Um ihn bildete sich eine energetische Mauer von einem knappen Meter Durchmesser - nur für magische Augen sichtbar - und hinderte den Mann an weiterkommen. Er tobte, war wütend, zornig und schimpfte und war außer sich vor Wut. Ich sagte ihm, der Bann wird sich in ein paar Stunden wieder auflösen - und drehte mich ohne weitere Worte um und ging.
Der Puma lief dicht an meinem Fusse mit.

Irgendwo am rande bemerkte ich, das der Mann ja auch seine Familie dabei hatte - seine Frau und sein Sohn standen etwas abseits und beobachteten das ganze mit Abstand. Ich erkannte in den Blicken der Frau, wie sie zu ihrem Mann schaute, das sie Genugtuung empfand und froh war, das der Puma weg kam, denn they disapproved of the actions of her husband. But since it was only a woman, she had nothing to say, but secretly she was glad that someone referred him.

because after a long march of the foot - far from the city and settlements - we arrived at a wooded Talstück. I felt and saw that the Puma had found his bearings again and again recognized this region. Here are our ways.
I turned to him and removed the remaining necklace from him. With a healing, soothing magic I stroked with golden energy throughout its body - on his back, over his strong paws and front legs, his legs, head, chest, and stroked him all the suffering that he had learned from this man out of him and took the old wounds and emotional pain which remained, until nothing was left of it. The Puma was always impatient, excited, could not wait to jump down the hill, back to the valley.

verabschiedentem With a few words and a gentle gesture on his forehead, I also solved my last spell on him, to no one else on this power could get over him and gave him free final. I could feel the healing I gave him, the memories faded to the people.
Der Puma zögerte - schaute mich an, als überlege er gerade was er hier mache, ob er mich anfallen solle oder nicht - aber ein Teil von ihm erinnerte sich noch, und als wäre noch einmal ein letzter Moment des Verständnisses zwischen uns aufgekommen, nickte ich ihm gütig zu, und mit einem Ruck sprintete der Puma los und rannte davon - zurück in die Freiheit.

Ich fühlte eine unglaubliche Freude und Glück in mir hochkommen und war den Tränen nahe vor Glück, und stand noch lange da und lächelte in Richtung Tal und der untergehenden Sonne....


Aquajade

Bambam Flintstones Tattoos

The "pterosaur dragon girl"

Heute Nacht begegnete ich in einem Traum ein außergewöhnliches, small creatures ...

It is a little girl, just adorable the little one ... I guess her age maybe as 8 years old (she keeps me on the question of how old she was very shy one gespreitzte left and three fingers of his right thereto). She had smooth, shoulder-length, slightly reddish-copper to the continuous, brunette hair - shiny red and very fine and well maintained. She pulled a thin, dark eyebrows like a fine pen and is neatly built, but not thin and not small. In my dream I see them in a simple, medieval, beige Baumwollnachthemd was wohl eher ein Hemd für Erwachsene sein soll mit einfachen Schnürung und ihr als noch etwas zu groß geratenes Nachthemd dient. Als sei das kleine Mädchen aus dem Mittelalterzeit entsprungen hüpft sie in dem grob gewebten Nachthemd barfüßig umher und war einfach ein liebenswertes Kind das man sofort ins Herz schließt sobald man in ihre unschuldige Augen und kindlichem Lächeln blickt.

Doch das war nicht ihre wahre Gestalt.... Dieses Bild ist eine art "Übersetzung" oder sowas wie eine übertragene Sinnbildlichkeit in menschlichen Maßstäben, um zu verstehen, was it is in its true nature, origin and what it represents. In the dream I met an approximately 2m wide grauhäutige, naked essence, reminiscent glance at the first sight of a naked, fiederlosen Pelikan. It was a creature that was kind of a mix between a flying dinosaur from the body composition ago, had little dragon-like her in from the wing shape, and reminded by the head shape, long, large beak and long, thin neck and legs but also from something at a pelican and stork.

This creature was therefore something like a kind of intelligent, humanoid "flying dragon", but despite its 2 m size and wing span of almost 6 m was there compared to human standards a small, young, more adolescent girls.

The dream was an encounter with this creature. I walked in the dream somehow by a road and followed a man who reminded me of my previous relationship and I wanted to get it and catch him or somehow come after him. Somehow grabbed another, such pterosaur dragon road him by the shoulders and he flew very quickly through it and I was not behind. In this moment right time and place I see this being beside me and I asked her if she could help me and do the same with me, take me with her powerful Greiff-feet at the shoulder, and after flying. Without a word she did willingly and gladly to what I asked (at this time I was also not clear and evident that the being a little girl was, because the human eye saw her she looked like an adult pterosaur dragon ), jumped up, took me gently by the cross-mouth my shoulder and I flew just few meters across the road very quickly afterwards.

The man I was always kind of followed me a few feet advance. Finally, we came to a very dense road where many people were walking in a parade. For some reason, could not the pterosaur girl carry me further, I put his gun down and ran up with something like a stork with a very narrow wings dressed as a man beside me. Only then I knew about it was a little girl, for her body-image changed from that of a girl and the flying dinosaur and I took her protectively in his arms and she snuggled close in on me and I protected them. I followed the man in a kind of large, tower-like castle building. I just know it - and I have since also along - go through there, because high this tower is a kind of staircase to somehow to reach a kind of bridge, which reach over to "another side" (whatever that was it). It was the only way to go "over".

could this Treppenturrm the pterosaur girls have not flying are still running properly, it had difficulties, however, had something to do with the fear that so many people around them and they fell naturally because she was different, just not human.

So I carried her on my shoulders and back, held her tight and I woke up in a huge protective instincts and love for this pterosaur dragon girl. I felt well clearly, she replied, my love and me very well liked and she clung to me very tenderly, laying her large, long beak-like pelican onto my shoulders and leaned her head against my bird-like. No matter who or what might come against them, I will defend with my life. But thank God, nothing and no one came to them, even if it was so strange even among the crowds. Maybe I protected them by my own intention and will to defend it.

In passing, I noticed that about the people who got here by the tower house to well-dressed, was constituted good, disciplined, acted very balanced, peaceful people, but nowhere near as many as on the wide, busy streets, where walking around all layers.

We finally got some way to a huge cave on a very narrow bridge knitted with ropes, which have a very, very, very deep and wide canyon covered (I had no idea about how we came so where but we got into a high art castle tower stairwell. Thus, the stop is somehow in these dreams. Perhaps there was a kind of dimensional change and the stair tower was the "transition" to a different level, which in turn a path led to a different level, which resulted in a huge cavern with a bridge, the floor led to nowhere and it was the other side of the rope bridge, an idea of the platform only).

at this point many people hesitated at the foot of the bridge and very few were in this shaky, swinging rope bridge and walked across. The man I came, I saw no more, I suspect he has come long ago on the other side of the valley. Here at this point I did not worry about me but on the other side to go and I did not worry, fall or plunge into the depths, I was without any Fear. The little dragon girl was delighted at the sight of the bottomless, huge cave, because it knows and immediately felt, can fly freely and it is easy to take me back to the shoulder and carry over. She spread her large dragon wings, stretched and got ready to fly with me to the other side ....

end of the dream.

Even after waking up, somewhere is still a feeling that the little girl is left on the intellectual level with me. Questions in my Spirit emerge where it asks me unsure whether I find it ugly, or whether their form I would mind if I find it disgusting, etc, because it was so different, but I reassured her, and answered frankly and honestly and with protective love I for the Aircraft feel - no matter what form it had, whether the associative in human form translated image of a copper-hair-colored human girl, or that of a grauhäutigen pterosaur dragon with large pelican's beak, thin, long neck and legs and drachige, bat-like wings - it was a beautiful, pretty absolutely lovely girl and I loved her, no matter what shape they have and I took it, as it was in its true nature, true love. The sincere, honest and loving response she was very, very happy and she had no inhibitions, their true form that of a pterosaur dragon girl to show up and it was a very affectionate, verschmusst, after a lot of body contact and for love and affection-seeking dragon creatures.

Oh, and in the end I asked them their names ... Since the "Contact" was the essence of waking up almost fade on, I'm not sure if I understand the name or right, called by them to me. It sounded rather like " Srri 'ille "

Aquajade

Diaper Girdle Punishment

Lonely in the Twilight Zone ...

Morgen ist der 24. Dezember - Heiligabend...

Es macht mich traurig, das ich auch diesen Weihnachten und die Feiertage sowie auch Silvester ganz alleine verbringen werde...

21 Monate nun schon bin ich in Kiel - und ich habe es noch immer nicht geschafft Freundschaften close to another human being like-minded art ..

It's crazy ... Those I met - magicians, elves, artists and actors - where I so much wished contacts and friendships I have from ... and another that in turn - muggles and totally ethically troubled, unstable people - my friends want to have, I reject again ...

It is as if I remain still between two different worlds in the boundary line between the top and down ... neither can I find a place in the world of people and feel out of place among them and with them may just start anything, but still I find the connection to the Elves and artists, where I find myself drawn, but these creatures do not turn me on have ... So I put seemingly in a kind of "Twilight Zone" ... recorded as between two mutually dependent force fields in the dead zone in the middle ....

"back" can and I would not ... I have long been the Point-of-no-return exceeded and left a altes Leben und die Welt der Schlafenden und wählte die rote Pille mit dem festen Willen und Vorsatz, aus der Matrix auszusteigen...

Doch weiter "Vorwärts" schaffe ich es aber noch nicht, so ganz alleine auf mich gestellt und es ist, als schwimme ich derzeit völlig orientierungslos und haltlos in den dunklen Abwasserkanälen der Maschinen, wo die Matrix mich wie in einem überdimensionalem Klospüle abgestoßen hat und mich von der Rest des alten, wenn auch illusorischen Lebens getrennt hat...

Ich verstehe das nicht, where the error is only that I'm on my own all alone and no Nebuchadnezzar comes and fished me out of the broth ... I can not find any contacts with the matrix entangled people, but I also have no contact with the stepped out ... I can only do one thing and continue to a place out fighting in this gray intermediate zone between the world of sleeping and the Awakened and hope that I will eventually "found" in my lonely "in between life, where I belong neither in this world in the other world ... I do not understand why I am left completely alone and I do not understand the meaning of my Twilight-existence, and I do not understand how I do it all by yourself soll ins Licht zu kommen...

Die Einsamkeit tut verdammt weh, und es tut weh, keinen Zugang und Kontakte zu den Menschen auf der einen Seite der Grauzone zu finden, als auch aber von der anderen Seite von Elfen, Magiere und Künstler abgewiesen zu werden...

Ich frage mich, was ich blos getan habe, was das mich-selbst-überlassens in dieser Twillight-Zone gerechtfertigt und ich frage mich nach dem Sinn und Zweck, was ich für eine Lehre aus diesem "Dazwischendrinn-leben" ziehen soll und warum nur I just dismissed by those who would be quite capable, I come out of this gray area ...

Am I so terrible furchbar Man, I was denied the contacts or rejects me? Am I not worthy? I always wonder - there must have still had a meaning, why did this choice between the red and blue pill, and I always think that I'm VALUE that you can help me ... I do not understand ... Now I am now but stop right there and here between the two chairs and can not come back but does not continue and I do not understand what I need in order to be accepted as I should because nu n learn without a guide like the world is ticking and without instruction on how to live magicians, elves and artists, what makes them tick and how can I add my voice to befriend them and ... I may be a difficult character, ok, and yes, I may perhaps also many a times a rather cost-rob energies of the nerves and - but I am still worth, and I do believe so strongly that this will pay off a thousand times. .. but it must be a reason why things have been running as they ran .... I do not understand why only I am here now banned in this gray area ...

Tja...

Morgen ist also der 24. ... das Jahr geht bald vorbei, und ich verbringe die Zeit alleine... Die völlig in sich verstrickte Welt erscheint mir so weit weg gerückt - die Menschen mir so unnahbar... vielleicht bin es auch nur ich, die "unnahbar" geworden ist, ich weiß es nicht und verstehe es nicht, wie diese Zustande kommt... Ich finde keine Kontakte zu andere Wesen und fühle mich sehr einsam, ich weiß nicht wohin ich gehen soll, wo ich suchen soll, was ich tun soll, wie ich mich verhalten soll, mit wem oder was ich reden soll, um auf mich aufmerksam zu machen, wenn die Nebuchadnezzar scheinbar an mir vorbeigeflogen ist or found me unworthy, I come out of this Twillightzone and teach me how to behave on the other side of the matrix and behaves to go to a day of Zion ....

Aquajade

Flesh Colored Plugs For Blacks

dances

Sun .. Christmas holidays are now announced, the first 4 months have now been passed by in a flash, and I learned a lot in that time. The dances, which I for my training in state- certified gymnastics teacher learning, are all really great, I had not thought of for the most part really ...

Folklore

Modern Dance

Jazz Dance

ballet

tap dance

taken for each of these subjects to me is a different kind of "body awareness" another way of feeling, moving, experience.

Folklore ...
I really am a fan of folk become immediately from the very beginning. I absolutely love to be here with me in a circle dance and move in harmony with the music and choreography. The music is all beautiful, cheerful, lively, just wonderful. Although at first it was a bit strange and alienating the Russian melodies, but when I danced to it was when I start gradually, instinctively understood the music ""....

I love this to do with art by "security" in a circle "taken" dancing to swing the common tackt with and to get the feeling that one is not "alone", but in a large, round, harmonious circle on the move - in a community where everyone goes in the same direction and I can go with. And the fact that we form a circle, we are all "equal" and there is none of the above or below it stands or falls, and there is no better or worse, no "alpha animal" and also not outsiders. All are equal sum up to an eye level on his hands and walk together in the same direction ... I love so much ...

I love all these dances and each dance choreography we have learned in folk music. Each has a unique charm, which I sink like to dance and let me love to put a smile on your face as soon as the first allude tackt ....

Modern Dance ...
A form of dancing, which I had met in my entire life so far and am very surprised, what is it anyway ... Modern Dance is something that emerges from the "inside out". Modern Dance awakens an incredible number of things inside of body feelings, thoughts, images and emotions. I had not expected. At first, I watched quite a few classmates and I see emotions coming up from them. I watched often irritated, stressed or emotional faces, some were the tears, others preserved a stoical, stiff and emotionless facial expression .... very different reactions, anyway.

I admit I took a long time until I say "have agreed to it."

Our modern dance teacher told us that the modern dance came from the inner, and it is quite ok, if Feelings come up, and also ok, if they are let out. Strange ... I often thought.

was only when I had all admitted it, so to speak, no longer prudent, had restrained "distance" participated, but fully the "fantasy images" of the dance teacher approached me did and it was received with announcements, images, fantasies, ideas, and to the movement - only then I began to understand why so many went straight to the emotions through the art, and I was frightened for myself and from my own feelings coming up ...

It irritates me why this is so, and understand it not ... Although I realize that by the way of dancing or body expressions, which reminds me constantly very strongly to the polarities and dualities of life, because it "pull" is always one and the "press" at the same time there - a "high "and is also a" down ", I have a feeling that by this constant change of opposite poles and the continuous" stretch "between two opposite directions, probably a result, the feelings, emotions, or otherwise any energy thus released and come forth .... I found this very disturbing and disconcerting and I found myself again as I have "closed", from Fear, what else is creeping in from the deepest inner emotions out ...

Our modern dance teacher used to say at the bottom choreography, we should take the floor as our "dance partners" love it, roll your body in it and umstreicheln, consider the soil as a friend, supple and relaxed to move out ...

contrast, I hated the ground. I hated the floor choreography. The bottom hurt me constantly all the bones and joints with every movement. I felt on the ground in such a rigid, immobile, and had the feeling I was getting stiff and immovable, and yet the choreography where soil one on the ground herumwelzt left me like a pathetic, little worm feel, I felt it terribly pathetic the process of around writhing on the floor and, associated with what sparked the floor choreography in modern dance of emotions that I hated myself, what the Modern Dance triggered in me and took out inside of my own ... To me, this is no "love" of the land and he was not a "dance partner" was. He was emotionally for me as an "enemy" where I had to fight against this land and was at every hour of the "Gegenankämpfen" - both against the ground, which made me feel like a pathetic worm, and against my own Home Affairs, which will creep and wants to express emotion.

Yet one modern dance to one of my favorite subjects. Because I love the choreography all that takes place on the ground level. The dance choreography I find so fascinating, but because only by expressing body / movement you can say "stories" to tell ... In none of the subjects I can be as much a narrative, make up almost totally almost eerily spiritual sounding stories fit the movements of dance super great ... In none of the subjects I can remember as well as a choreography in modern dance, because I just the "story" in which I dance in my mind's eye "see", understand and dance .... In jazz dance, however, I have the impression that there are just dull zusammengepappt any "dead" movement without any rhyme or reason and without context, and finally unwound.

Modern Dance but ... lives. The movements of "live" ... I can not be better explained, I understand it even still not quite what it was all about. Maybe in another year I understand modern dance more, why is so "alive" for me and why this particular style of dance fascinates me so ...

Jazz Dance ....
I think this subject would give me more pleasure and motivation when the dance teacher would understand as much of it to build and jazz dance students to take it with as they contrast well knows how to build and to discourage through excessive "more" ideas.

Jazz Dance is certainly for the Audience probably a beautiful to look dance style. Interesting by its isolation technology, range of dance music and on his own way of expression, even if it is merely a "lined up" of movements, which is simply dull learn by heart and must imitate and it is quite no meaning and "life." In jazz dance is absolutely nothing "tells" that nothing is expressed in dance and body movement and has no comprehensible patterns of movement. It is purely mechanical, technical, lined up on the arms, body and leg movements and the choreography has no "soul", as I feel the contrast with modern dance. Therefore, for me, "dead" because it contains nothing, no energy. Only pure technique and kinetic energy.

Probably not for nothing am I in this subject in all probability in stock to a "poor" (5), I somehow just can not learn the choreography, as they are completely meaningless for me without any connection to me and act like stupid string together from randomly selected motion sequences in which no imagination or aesthetic infected. I can not judge - and I am aware of - whether it's actually the case with any jazz dance choreography and school and I am for this dance style is not just made for it or not the nature of this possession, or whether it is up to the dance teacher himself . Secretly, I suspect the latter - for that is purely mechanical-insulator technology and severally runs the Jazz Dance-hour, the dance teacher is somehow also the type of person here, mechanically and technically a teacher and a teacher with an exclamation mark and a teacher again with three exclamation points. " I miss both in jazz dance and the dance teacher in every form of humanity and soul, miss the point, and in general any access to, or at least to find the opportunity to access.

I guess Jazz'd be more fun, I had what it takes. As it was, I now get it fast and have to accept that I'm pretty bad at it, the dance teacher feel simply as a monotonous, Stundenabspulende, emotionless teacher, who only just finished a job and nothing further you are interested in how and whether the students find access to jazz dance or not, and did for me internally "given up" Jazz Dance, so to speak. It appears to me pretty clear that I will complete the entire training well in jazz, with a constant "5", unless something happens, what motivates me to be able to give more, or when a sense is behind the movements or is there anything that I (because of her I can not expect anything) without the help of dance instructor in any form of access to find a Jazz Dance ...

Although my impression and opinion about jazz dance is very devastating, I still like to go in and am happy in the jazz-hours. Even if I ever do not go with him because I do not understand the announcements to 90%, because the dance teacher who has himself admitted, only 30% hearing level at one ear and the music extremly too loud turn up which is me most of the visual field narrows, even if I permanently out the number of falls and wrong dance, and even though I am far from to meet what they will like to see - Jazz Dance somewhere makes fun anyway.

ballet ...

Hachja ... Ballet .... Since the first hours there, I do ballet, I wanted so much to me every time und finde es äußerst bedauerlich, das ich als Kind keinen Ballett hatte... Sollte ich je doch Kinder in diesem Leben bekommen - steht für mich absolut außer Frage, das es Ballett-Unterricht bekommt! Egal ob Junge oder Mädchen, ich finde, diese Form an Körperhaltung, -Arbeit und Formung der Persönlichkeit über den Körper ist ein absolutes MUSS für heranwachsende...

Ich fühle mich zwar nicht als Ballerina und ich bin von einem sauberen Plié noch immer weit entfernt und meine Porte Bras könnten auch mehr Spannung vertragen - doch ich merke, wie mir Ballett richtig GUT tut.... Es ist anstrengender, als ich gedacht habe, es sieht von außen betrachtet leicht aus, It is not at all but .... Oh ... why only I had such ne dam **** lonely childhood and youth had when I got out of problems in schools have classes on body work ... I am very sorry and I realize how much I need to catch up with 35, which is not easy ...

tap dance ...

Very interesting and makes me a lot of fun. A dance, so I even did not expect that to have. Previously, I had the term "steppe" only such associations only from old black and white films sewn in where and which was sung to me was "steppes". But that's the direction as "Lord of the Dance" - because I'm again not now, and I found it really fun. It is a pity that so few well-stitching is offered in general, I can not really remember it ever ever seen anything like this somehow have to course offerings. Perhaps it would be a "gap" for me and I offer VHS to sew in a few years, who knows:) ... Folklore and immediately afterwards, too, is something that is somehow not "ordinary", which I find very sad ... Fox trot and waltz, everyone can learn from each dance school on every corner. But steppes and folklore .... THAT is rare. And I am itching in your fingers to do the stuff that does not every ...

Aquajade

Recipe Hibachi Scallops

occupation

Last night I had again had a brief but strange, unpleasant dream.

Somehow I dreamed of art "occupations". I dreamed I was sleeping next to a man unknown to me in a dream and I woke up and then somehow - I can not bear to describe a strange feeling was that - but I had from the other, I somehow fell asleep next to his feet stuck in my stomach had. Not physically, I felt both his feet up in the calves on art energy or astral plane. It was very unpleasant. I tried to wake him, but he was somehow not quite with you and not to get awake, and somehow I was not quite I was myself and my perception of the environment somehow .... quite cranky. A feeling inside me set in, where I've never felt before, as though something in me that wants to take over my body, I move somehow grotesque, my limbs move, but I lead this movement is not and try to deliberately contrast to control or something to keep control, and there is a strange feeling grotesktes immateriality of half and half and half rigid movements of both me and what they want to penetrate me. The bedroom had somehow no door anymore, I knew full well there's the door, but I also felt at once that something is in me and changed my perception so I held the door that should there directly in front of me, a solid wall before my eyes. It's crazy to raise awareness to have that what I see straight and perceive, correctly and accurately know the door is where I get out of here is out of this nightmare, but the fact that I do not see any flow, no door handle - nothing! - I am incapable of action and put in this space is fixed with what's got into me, which has nothing to look at me, it's MY body, and since no other what to look for it.

Then there was a change of scene and I dreamed of somehow probably the dream of the other, my stranger, where he will drive a race car and I was part of that dream, which introduced me him his car, I was suddenly in the role of moderator with a microphone and he was a celebrated racing driver who now wants to turn his lap on the Nürburgring.

Total crazy, I hate this .. As the night had a kind of unwanted "change" stattgefunden, oder vor langer Zeit stattfand, und ich habe dieses unangenehme Gefühl in mir, in mir stecke immer noch irgendwie ein Teil oder Anteil von einem fremden Menschen in mir, als seien seine Füsse immernoch irgendwie in mir drinn stecken geblieben und ich bin nicht mehr ganz ich selbst und habe Fremdenergien in mir und meine Wahrnehmungen sind verschroben und ich sehe Wände / Hindernisse, wo aber Türen zum hindurchgehen sind...

Kurz nach dem Aufwachen heute morgen dachte ich dann spontan an diesem furchtbaren Film "Paranormal Activity" wo eine Frau von einem Dämon nachts besucht wird und stückweise sie übernimmt und wo der Film kein Happy End hat sondern schließlich der Dämon in diese Frau eingefahren ist, es ist ein schreckliches, beklemmendes Gefühl diese Träume und Filme, ich hasse das, es ist widerlich und einfach nur schrecklich....

Ich hoffe sehr, in mir steckt nichts fremdartiges drinn oder will in mich eindringen und mich verdrängen, ich will ICH sein und nicht von irgendetwas übernommen oder kontrolliert werden, ich will CLEAR sein!! ....

Nortel Phone 350 Model Operating Manual

capitulation

ich verstehe die Welt nicht... Ich erkenne keinen Sinn, keine Logik, keine mögliche Lehre, welches ich daraus ziehen soll... Mir scheint, es beißen sich unzählige Schlangen, die ineinander verschlungen sind, sich gegenseitig in den Schwanz und haben einen Knäuel gebildet, wo man nicht mehr erkennen kann, wo gehört was zu wem...

Ich erkenne zum beispiel keinen Sinnhaftigkeit eines totalen Kontaktabbruches, es ergibt einfach keinen - SINN ... es ist so derart sinnlos, ich verstehe dieses Fallenlassen nicht... Ich verstehe nicht, was ich daraus lernen soll mit der Anweisung, ich solle keine weitere Kontakte aufbauen, keine Freundschaften, keine Freizeitpartner, denn ich solle erst mal arbeiten-arbeiten-lernen-arbeiten... Man sagte mir aber auch, man kann nicht alles alleine schaffen... und dennoch wird das von mir verlangt.. ich verstehe das nicht ? .. Ich verstehe nicht welchen Sinn ein voller 7-Tage-Wochenprogramm hat, wobei die Jobs meine Schule darunter leiden lässt, weil mir die Zeit fehlt für Trainings, für die Klausuren zu lernen, für Hausaufgaben, für Choreographien-Ausarbeitungen, für Organisationen mit Mitschülern... Aber ich kann mich nicht mit Mitschülern organisieren, weil es gegen den Kontaktverbot außerhalb der Schule geht und weil ich sowiso keine Zeit habe und arbeiten muss... Ich kann keine Hausaufgaben erledigen, keine Referate schreiben, keine Protokolle, keine Choreographien ausarbeiten und keine Lerngemeinschaften bilden... Wie soll ich das alles dann nur schaffen, und trotzdem einigermaßen auf a "sufficient" staff come from? ... I do not understand why I'm all alone needs to create when I set up then any contacts outside the school can not and must not ... I do not see the point in me without any help eke, all alone on my own, and thus cope, having to, I now at school gradually subside, five letters, minus points collect because no votes Hausaufageben, the choreography continues to yet still not dominant, because I do not record the post-training can still ... I do not understand the meaning of what I learn from all this? What should I learn? I do not understand ... I also understand the meaning of destiny behind it simply do not know why I need money for everything, if I want to do me something "good" or if I want to take seriously HELP claim, why do I need for this incredible amount of money that I have not? I'm inhzwischen reached a point where I must assume all served, actually only to take me to capitulate to the ... I should stop playing the "bounce back" ... It had finally told my mentor and a long time ago me to stop, get up constantly, and then stop "are to remain" just ... Have I actually understood it really? I do not understand ... I am now convinced come - it's true - you can not really do it all alone ... Without support, ... without friends ... Without contacts ... Without a family ... Without money ... I have nothing like that - and I can not get real ...

I understand not only still ... what sense had all now? Why the rupture of contacts ... The statement does not establish contacts ... which suggests to me just not to give up one of my jobs, borrowing in order to then have more time for training ... I do not understand ... SHOULD I fall? Should I give up? If all of this taken together, forced me to my knees and the way that I stop playing the "bounce back"? Sollte das alles mich derart runterholen von meinem Glauben an mich, ich schaffe das alles schon, das ich kapituliere und aufgebe und aufhöre erneut aufzustehen und schließlich zu einer Psychotherapie zu begeben? Ich verstehe das nicht... da beißt sich doch aber erneut ein paar Schlangen in den Schwanz ... denn ich kann die Therapien nicht bezahlen, ich bin an einem Punkt, wo ich nun kapitulieren muss, wo ich eingestehen muss, ich brauche HILFE, ich kann das nicht alleine, ich schaffe das nicht !! ... ich schaffe die Ausbildung nicht, mit zwei Jobs 7-Tage-Woche, mit ausschließlich den wenigen Schultrainingsstunden komme ich nicht mehr hinterher, die Noten spiegeln das jetzt wieder...Ich kann keines der Jobs aufgeben, weil ich dann kein Geld have to live and no money to pay for the training continues .... But I give the training, God, what will become of me? I then refused me all alone to pull out of the hole ... I will not again become ne Penny sausage, I will not ever be bitch and make cleaning the dirt off of other people ... I will not give up the training but, quite the contrary, it means so much to me, I'd love to have done more for it, it gives me so much ... but my energy consumed Hungering Abendputzerei so my energy and leaves me precious time when I would rather have visited in the afternoon classes and courses would have organized with my classmates ... I do not understand the sense of what I am now out of the whole is now to draw a lesson for ... Alone, without help, without contacts, without professional help, whether in the form of coaching or behavioral therapy or psychotherapy, without money, 7-day week without a break training, education and work, without recovery periods, with no balm for the soul, without space for learning ... All alone without any help ...

I can only come to the conclusion that my mentor knew that I would not make, and that was deliberate, I give up and capitulate .... He was probably the "bounceback" broken in me ... Congratulations, I guess he did it .... I lose the connection at school, I can not get up again again, I'm at the point where I have to admit capitulating, I need professional help, because I Vollhzeitausbildung plus two jobs until late at night nonstop over my head is rising, in addition to my loneliness , contactless and poverty ... without the money I no therapy, no help, no clearing, no coaching - - pay and claim to ... - None But what he probably has not taken into account is And as I suspected already, now if I am going to a pychotherapeutischen therapy, I have to give up something like this this time ... Either the school or one of the two Jobs ... I do not think I hammer out the training, two jobs and a weekly therapy in a weekly schedule to accommodate, especially since it's not financially sowiso hinhaut ... Even if it an affordable health insurance from the therapist can be found in Kiel radius - at which point the snakes biting each other I have to pierce it? I do not understand that .....

I wish I could talk about it with anyone, but - I can not even .....

I must surrender ... but even that I can not capitulate, as the training I means so much, and I need the job, otherwise I can not turn the training pay and not live ... I make any further, and have a feeling in me dies every day a little more something, and I do not even know what the rest of me remains there of, and if that was not the wrong beings share in me is the subordinate suffers ... My cast and bathroom energyx should die, not the joyous, spiritual essence .. God, I wish I had the money for clearing ... coaching ... Auditing ... Something ... for what ever it is what stuck with me parasite Moderate to finally scrape from my soul ... I can not do this alone ... ich will aber auch nicht kapitulieren... und dennoch bin ich schon am Boden und habe aufgehört, das "Stehaufmännchen" zu spielen... vielleicht sollte ich mich wieder in die Erde vergraben, wie ein Wurm, der glaubte, ein fliegender Schmetterling zu sein....

Ich fühle mich so furchtbar alleine....

Aquajade